Get born
and when you see the light you wanna close your eyes
Grow up
and when you do it´s like a boring day at school
Sail away
and when you sail away you notice there´s no wind

Oh you´ll never find the time to make your future look
bright
I wanna see a smile on your face when your old
You know the future´s yet to be told
press hold, press hold, press hold

I know you wanted to grow, as a person inside
but all your dreams collide

Drive away
and when you drive away you notice there´s no road
Fly away
and when you fly away you notice there´s no heaven
Run away
and when you run away you notice there´s no ground
Grow old
and when your old you die and when you die your dead

So you´ll never find the time…..

I know you wanted to grow as a person inside
but all your dreams collide
and everybody´s alone with their person inside
and all your dreams are lies

Meanwhile I keep rolling make my time innocent
I wanna press hold and colour the grey
Meanwhile I keep rolling make my time innocent
without your boundaries I´ll be ok

I know you wanted to grow……

- Press Hold – Johnossi

———————————————————————–

I woke up this morning with a familiar feeling. It was like I’d been outside freezing a long while and just been handed a nice warm blanket. It was a missed feeling. But also a sad and painful feeling. I had almost gotten used to being happy. I had almost moved on. The original events that gave birth to this feeling are blurry and faded. It is almost like the events themselves are unimportant. Like the state of pain and misery is what I thrive in or perhaps just what I’ve gotten used to so much that the state is my everyday life and the happiness just a vaction from it.
Tears started to fill up my eyes. I miss something. Or lack something. Desperately.

Couldn’t get myself to eat any breakfast. Flipped through my newspaper and went to the bus and forgot half of my stuff at home. So confused. Really feel kind of sick, like I’m inside my head as usual but at the same time not at all, just someone looking from some other place at this person walking, staggering. Picked up a sandwich at the bakery and forced myself to eat it (why does that woman there always look at me like I’m stupid when I order what I want?). I was freezing even though it wasn’t at all cold outside.

Turned on the ipod (no not my own but the borrowed one, seems like the repairs I did yesterday didn’t help but that is another story) and Johnossi sang to me.

I know you wanted to grow as a person inside
but all your dreams collide
and everybody’s alone with their person inside
and all your dreams are lies

My dreams. Back then when all went wrong I think I dreamt about all the wrong things. Dreamt that my parents would get back together, that I would move back to Gotland. A whole bunch of things not at all thought through.

These dreams collided with the real world pretty fast. No my parents hated each others guts. No I wouldn’t mysteriously wake up in my bed, in that red house on Gotland. No my friends would no longer be my friends when I would be old enough to do as I please. The real world had a very harsh way of making these things clear to me. It was pitch black darkness. Yes, I wanted to grow as a person inside but it took years to get past that initial disappointment. If I ever believed in a higher power, a God, and I vaguely remember doing so. Then this would be when I felt abandoned and took my faith to the trashcan of my soul. Yes, I remember now, I was in a theatre group that had a priest as a leader, I guess the church paid for the whole thing. I had many long talks with this man and he did noble attempts to deepen my faith but the more the tried, the harder I believed in all other things than God. Because if there was one, this pitch black darkness that wasn’t at all fair, would be “his” fault. I think I lost hope of a whole lot of things at this very same time.

I got on the bus and remember nothing of the ride except for that fact that I listened to Johnossi over and over again. Didn’t notice anything about my fellow passengers or the cars going past outside the window.

I walked the streets to my job and it was like walking in multiple universes at once. I could see the grey, hard and very chilly streets of Stockholm and the other ones. If we imagine life like a winding road and everyones life is be represented as a main road and a whole bunch of other blurry roads just only visible in the periphery. Those roads would represent what would have/could have/should have been if the person had made other choices in the intersections. Understand what I mean? Imagine seeing all those roads at once. Walking down all of them at once regretting that you didn’t do that, getting frustrated over this and enjoying something else that would surely have been nice if only you had…

I played all those little movies in my head. Little glimpses passing by with different events and different feelings. Mostly I spent time thinking about all those stupid things. If I only had… is a phrase that nicely sums my walk up.

I had to stop outside the office and grab a firm hold of myself. Stop those tears and go inside. I won’t throw in the towel just yet.

I have noticed that I miss parts of myself. Sides of me that used to be there. Sides that had to go during the war I fought with the world AND myself growing up. A war on two fronts at once was not a smart move. But I think all sides had too many casualties. I stopped being stubborn, forwards and trusting (I think a lot of my friends and family members might not agree to this, but I guess I could explain it like this. I’m putting up this front, or I feel like I have this front and then the inside that used to be all confident and strong is scared, not at all confident and doubting everything.). I didn’t trust the world, only the well(?) chosen few. A lot of strain on those relationships followed. I demanded a lot of my friends. Later I demanded a whole lot too much of boyfriends. I was looking for a steady ground to stand on. We moved a lot. Things changed all the time in my closest surroundings. Maybe I could have turned everything around a lot faster if I had had that steady ground, or maybe if someone had seen and understood. I couldn’t talk about it or ask for help. I didn’t want help but I did. Regardless, I am what I am and I feel that I’m slowly letting go of the anger, frustration and sorrow. That the confident me inside is beginning to back up the front. I can’t regret or wish for another past but I can hope for a better future.

The most beautiful girl,
you’d think she’d have the right to choose
love
But I know this one
she’s scared, just so afraid to loose

If you ever would come to my house
at the end of the old mountain road
you’ll be on top of the world
Happiness a la mode
Oh you will…

You said once you could feel
your heart jump out of your chest
love
but that was years ago
now you’re torn, wounded, a mess

If you ever would…

- Johnossi – Happiness a La Mode